The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Guide to Lasting Love

Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned relationship researcher and psychologist, has spent decades studying what makes love last. His groundbreaking book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is based on research from the "Love Lab" at the University of Washington, where Gottman and his team observed thousands of couples. His findings are not only fascinating—they're actionable. Gottman's work strips away the guesswork and reveals what truly makes a relationship thrive long term.

At the heart of his book are seven key principles that can help couples build a deep and lasting connection. Whether you're newly married, together for decades, or somewhere in between, these principles offer a clear roadmap to emotional intimacy and marital stability.

Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

“Love Maps” refer to the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s world—hobbies, worries, dreams, daily stressors, and favorite things.

Gottman’s research shows that happy couples maintain a deep understanding of each other’s inner worlds. They ask questions, stay curious, and regularly update their knowledge of their partner's life. This principle is all about building and maintaining that awareness.

Try This: Ask each other open-ended questions. What’s been on your mind lately? What’s your biggest dream right now? What’s stressing you out? The goal is not to fix but to connect.

Principle 2: Nurture Fondness and Admiration

This principle is about holding a positive view of your partner and expressing appreciation often. Fondness and admiration are the antidotes to contempt—one of the four horsemen Gottman identifies as a predictor of divorce.

Couples who nurture admiration build a culture of appreciation, even during hard times. This doesn’t mean ignoring problems but focusing on what you do like about your partner rather than what's lacking.

Try This: Write down three things you admire about your partner today. Share them out loud. Make it a daily habit.

Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

Every day, couples make bids for connection—comments, gestures, or expressions that say, “Notice me. Respond to me. Connect with me.” Happy couples turn toward these bids rather than away.

Turning toward means responding with interest and presence. It builds emotional intimacy and trust, while turning away leads to disconnection.

Try This: Next time your partner comments on something mundane—like the weather or a funny meme—pause, look up, and engage. Small moments build the big stuff.

Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

This principle is especially important for men, as Gottman’s research shows that marriages where the man is unwilling to share power or accept influence are far more likely to end in divorce.

Letting your partner influence you means valuing their opinions, making decisions together, and being open to compromise. It’s about being a team rather than two individuals trying to win.

Try This: Practice saying “You’re right,” or “That’s a good idea.” Ask for your partner’s input before making decisions. Value their thoughts, even if they differ from your own.

Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

Not all conflicts are created equal. Gottman distinguishes between solvable problems and perpetual ones. Solvable problems are situational—like household chores or where to spend the holidays. These can be addressed with effective communication and compromise.

To solve them, couples need to use what Gottman calls “soft startups,” take responsibility, repair tension early, and find common ground.

Try This: When bringing up a complaint, avoid blame. Start with “I feel…” instead of “You never…” This softens the entry and makes resolution more likely.

Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

Gridlock happens when perpetual problems—like different life dreams or values—aren’t respected or understood. Every couple has unsolvable issues, but the key is how you handle them.

According to Gottman, gridlock often stems from unspoken dreams. When couples explore and honor each other’s dreams, they can move from gridlock to dialogue.

Try This: Ask: “Is there a deeper meaning behind this issue for you?” Be curious. Respect each other’s dreams, even if they’re different. Compromise isn't about losing—it’s about finding peace.

Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

Happy couples build a life rich in shared purpose. This goes beyond raising kids or managing bills. It’s about rituals, roles, goals, values, and legacy. What kind of family do you want to be? What traditions matter? What’s your “why” as a couple?

Creating shared meaning strengthens the emotional connection and gives your relationship a deeper foundation.

Try This: Establish a new ritual—Sunday morning coffee dates, gratitude at dinner, or an annual trip. Talk about your shared goals and values. Let your life together be intentional.

Bonus Insight: Beware the Four Horsemen

In addition to the seven principles, Gottman warns of four destructive communication styles that predict divorce with alarming accuracy:

1. Criticism – Attacking your partner’s character.

2. Contempt – Mocking, eye-rolling, or disrespect.

3. Defensiveness – Avoiding responsibility.

4. Stonewalling – Shutting down or withdrawing.

The antidotes to these are: gentle startups, building appreciation, taking responsibility, and self-soothing.

Making It Work in Real Life

The beauty of Gottman’s principles is that they aren’t based on wishful thinking or clichés—they’re based on observable behaviors and emotional patterns. What makes marriages work isn’t perfection; it’s the daily, intentional effort to connect, listen, and honor each other’s humanity.

You don’t have to master all seven principles at once. Start with one that resonates. Maybe it’s turning toward each other more often. Or updating your Love Maps. The small shifts add up over time.

And if your relationship is struggling, it doesn’t mean it’s broken—it might just need a new framework. Gottman’s work gives couples that blueprint. Love isn’t just a feeling. It’s a skill. And these principles are the practice.

Marriage isn’t about avoiding conflict or always being on the same page. It’s about choosing each other over and over again—even when things are messy, hard, or uncertain. The seven principles remind us that lasting love isn’t mysterious—it’s mindful.

When we slow down, speak kindly, listen deeply, and stay curious about our partner, we create a space where connection can thrive. That’s the heart of Gottman’s work—and the heart of any strong relationship.

Whether you’re in a season of struggle or simply want to strengthen your bond, these principles are a powerful foundation. Try one today. Love is built in the small, everyday choices.